I felt, I felt so embarrassed to show my face to the world, as if everything had been my fault. I knew it wasn't, I knew it. But deep down I couldn’t bring my mind to think otherwise. I almost felt... felt dirty, felt used, felt like I wasn't worthy to be with anyone anymore because of what had happened. I mean, how could some one want me after that? Why would they?
Maybe that's why I had been how I had been with Wesley. Subconsciously I was trying to push him away, when all along, what I really wanted to do was just let him in, and take comfort in him. But I was just this mess of mixed signals and he probably didn't know where to being. Still, that was just my assumption. Things were probably not like that at all.
Or at least Willow didn't think that they were.
And she really was right. After Connor had come and gone, everything that I had been feeling before sort of went out the door as I worried about Wesley, and everything else that was happening around me.
As Wesley walked through the door, all my fears came to a halt. Just seeing him, seeing that he was okay and not dead somewhere really made me realize how much I felt for him. On impulse I kissed him. In front of everybody, and it didn't feel weird or anything like that, it felt real. It felt right. For that one small moment, I felt normal, I felt almost as if nothing had ever happened to me. Maybe there was hope for me yet. Maybe.
And just like that moment came, it went. I don't know how long I simply stood there looking at him, seemed like forever, but even forever wasn't long enough. Before I knew it everyone had left us and it was just him and me. Alone.
I explained to him about Connor coming down here, acting as if though everything was alright and then... and then not. I worried about him, worried about Dawn. Things were getting really bad really quick, and in the back of my mind, there was only one person I could blame for all of this... the same person that ruined my whole life. I tried not to hate him, tired to understand that Angel and Angelus were different people, but right now, I couldn't differentiate from the two.
Just as Angelus was guilty of everything that had happened, so was Angel, for running away, for leaving everything just as it was without trying to make things right again, and facing everyone like he should have. Connor... whatever was happening to him wouldn't have happened if he had been here, or if it did, it could have been prevented some how. Now it was up to us to pick up all the pieces and clean up the mess he had left behind.
I wondered if he knew about Connor though, I wondered if he knew and had come back. If that were the case, I didn't know how I would react if I saw him again. Didn't think that I could. I did ask Wesley if he was... just to be sure. Just to... I don't know... be prepared I guess, for whatever comes.
He looked at me and cupped my face with his hand, reassuring me, telling me he wasn't here, and that if he was, he didn't know it. That was good enough for me. He kissed my forehead and I felt a shiver run right through me as he did. I looked up at him and tried to smile, but I felt my eyes glaze, tears threatening to pour over. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest, trying to find some comfort, some type of solace of some kind... I truly loved him, of that I was sure now, but I felt ashamed, I felt violated, like something was taken away from me, something that I would never be able to get back and the thought just made me feel bad. Deep down I wondered if he was just being this way with me out of pity, just to be nice, and not cause me any more grief. Maybe I had it all wrong and his own feelings were just as strong as my own. I guess I wouldn't know unless I asked... and I wasn't asking.
[[Open for Wesley]]